Tuesday, October 31, 2006
THE CLOCK IS TICKING...
By Nicholas Allanach
It hurts when people we trust and care about the most stab us in the back. Unfortunately, we’re often totally oblivious to the fact our loved ones, or best friends, are actually not here to support us but to destroy us instead. We definitely put our defenses down when we begin trusting people and are often so blind by love we’re unable to see who our real enemies are. Trust is not necessarily a bad thing, but it can certainly be a weakness that leaves us vulnerable to vicious attacks. Trust is also one of the few things holding the fabric of this fragile world together; moreover, it is also, paradoxically the one thing people take the most advantage of. Recently, one thing I have come to “trust” is that people can—as Modest Mouse sang—“easily, easily, fuck you over.”
This Halloween I packed up my wife’s belongings, took down all of our pictures, and removed my ring. It’s just too painful to look at images from what I believed were happier times; besides, they only remind me again and again of the amazing life we could have shared. I’ve been terribly depressed and angered by this unforeseen change in events, but know that ultimately, (after many tears and a few sore knuckles from punching the walls later) I will be a stronger and wiser person from this experience. I can only hope the same for my—working her way to be “X”—wife.
I’m not mad the woman I love is leaving me; I love her too much to be mad. I only regret she couldn’t recognize the love I wanted us to share. Perhaps it was difficult to see past all of my callous unsympathetic moments to understand I cared for her more than anything else? I’ve certainly not been a perfect person (neither has she), but I also realize that if anything is ever perfect, it’s usually dreadfully boring as well. Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve tried to understand why she left. Perhaps she thinks I’m too cruel? Too intense? Maybe she believes I would one day hurt her, so she decided to instead hurt me first? Only she knows for sure and I really wish she’d tell me straight. What I do know is how I felt about her before she left and what I dreamed we’d share together.
A lot of people scoff at the thought of marriage, I know I did; after all, who is to say two people should ever have to be completely accountable to one another? Moreover, I was always afraid of marriage because I always saw the same result –Divorce. Admittedly, most of those who are cynical about such commitments have been hurt from such experiences themselves. Needless to say, I wasn’t, I was ready for commitment and a future with her. But I, like anyone, wanted to make absolutely sure. In fact, I’d been with my wife for almost six years and after many hints from her for “a ring”, I eventually asked her on top of Rockefeller Center to marry me. I was a bit nervous, but knew we were making the right decision when she said “yes.” I can honestly say I’d never been more-happy in my entire life. I suppose, it is a happiness I shared alone, I’d like to think not; but, well…who knows?
I know marriage can be tough and that it is not a commitment for the weak. I realized it meant giving my self to someone so much that I would need to be totally honest and dependable to that person. I was so prepared for this and wanted it more than anything else, because I love her so much. I guess she’s not ready for my love? I guess she wants to live a “simple life”, that she will one day, unfortunately, realize is actually far more complex than the one I dreamed we’d share.
Before she left, I held her close while she slept, almost like I needed to hang onto her as much as I could so as to enjoy those last moments we shared together for all they were worth. I remember petting her hair and looking down at her head as she lay on my chest. I noticed some roots from her graying hair that poked-out through her dye job and I tried then to imagine her hair as one day becoming all grey, I tried to see her skin as wrinkled and old: could I still love her? The answer is yes. In fact, this thought and realization made me love her even more. I saw this as her beauty as our beauty and our strength. I imagined us as old people and as best friends that could eventually look back onto a life of adventure, accomplishment, and love; one that may have not always been perfect, but one that was at least spent together with someone you trust and is your best friend through “better or worse.”
I guess it’s nice to dream. Unfortunately, reality tells us that trust is too fragile for this commitment and that anyone can “easily, easily, fuck you over.”